Dec 27, 2017

The End

I remember the joy i had when i was on my way to picked you up. The thrilled i experienced knowing that our journey together were going to began.
I was overjoyed that i couldnt bring myself together when trying to got my act to properly asked you to come with me, it was so surreal. I loved the feeling of closeness i shared with you, everything was just right, like we were supposed to meet, i felt like in my whole life before you was waiting for that moment. It was love, not at a first sight cuz i have loved you before i actually met you. It was a fine night, my joyous moment, of which i treasured.

We had going through a lot, our bond grew stronger, we were making promises and vows, you gave me purpose, i finally have someone i can call my own. You make feel what i never felt before. The feeling of knowing that i am loved,that someone out there can make me feel loved - it was victorious. For my concern, i had everything i needed and i knew that the only right thing to do was to dedicate my whole for the love i felt from you - everything was worthed. 
Thank you for your caring, understanding and for loving me despite all my flaws and insecurities,Thanks for being my best friend, for always being there for me and made me feel belonged. You were the only one that accept me for who i am without judging me. It was you that i had my best days with, you made it possible for me to be happy. 
Thank You -  I love you

You are not mine anymore, like all the other relationship the boredom drove drove us to do what we werent meant to do to each other, we count the distances, we grew apart. Lying and betrayal were inevitable.
We were both at fault, i also had my part in that.
Im so sorry i wasnt enough for you, i am sorry that what we shared didnt manage to be the reason to earn your loyalty and honesty. I am so sorry i couldnt gave you the ideal perfection you had in your mind.
Most of all I'm sorry that you lost yourself being with me, i'm sorry that i drove you away from the real you. 
I'm sorry i didnt put enough effort !

I regret that i had to see you changed into someone you used to loathe, i am sorry that you had to hurt me in order to escape the uncertainty of being with me. I am sorry i couldnt offer you the happiness you deserved.
You have the right to be happy, to be fulfilled, to feel accomplished.
I wish that the pain you inflict on me worth the happiness that you seek. You deserve all the happiness life could offer.

I hope you find the one thing that will deserve not just your love but also your dedication, loyalty and honesty.

I hope you find your happiness.

I will miss you! #Goodbye #Lissabel 

Jul 16, 2014

Be back soon

Anyone missed me since my 6 months Hiatus.. ?
the answer is A BIG NO i guess,
well i dont surprised, not at all. ^^

i've been gone for a long time and this afternoon while checking on my emails i accidentaly clicked a mail from my friends, it was sent to me years ago i guess and it contains about his story and update of not so great life of him,  and at the end of his long story he says that he had visited my blog and says its ok, he even put a link to one of the post he liked and he says i wasnt a good writer but i did write about lot of stuffs and he appreciates me for that.
i did came back to this blog of mine because of that mail. and so, Here i am, Again. deciding to blogging again and demonstrate my not so talent in writing.

I wasnt blogging not because i didnt have time or something, i wasnt busy at all, its just i stop write for a day and later i realize i've been gone for 6 months.

what happened while i am gone ? well, Life Happened.! :D
and here i am now. I am Ok and ready to sail again.

So.. prepare to be amazed fellas :D

Dec 4, 2013

When in love

I love it when she made me speechless, I've always knew that she'll love me good. God, she does me so good. So good that it intimidates me somehow ; so good that made my unknown sacrifice doesn't seem worth it. 

She's an angel really, I just love that I made the right decision to love her and wait for her even though she didn't seemed to care about the love I bear for her..!!! It was my way of triumph,  and in the end we both are the winner.

This is love, I knw it " please give me courage and strength to keep it in me for forever " 


Jun 24, 2013

Love and be Loved

A very poor man lived with his wife.

One day, his wife, who had very long hair asked him to buy her a particular comb for her hair to grow well and to be well-groomed.

The man felt very sorry and said no. He explained that he did not even have enough money to fix the strap of his watch he had just broken.

She did not insist on her request. The man went to work and passed by a watch shop, sold his damaged watch at a low price and went to buy a comb for his wife. He came home in the evening with the comb in his hand ready to give to his wife.

He was surprised when he saw his wife with a very short hair cut. She had sold her hair and was holding a new watch band.

Tears flowed simultaneously from their eyes, not for the futility of their actions, but for the reciprocity of their love.

MORAL :::-

To love is nothing, to be loved is something but to love and tobe loved by the one you love, that is EVERYTHING... 

Never take love for granted....!!!!

May 16, 2013

My List of Depapepe's

Heloo all, its been a while since my last post. i've been busy running my routines called life. in case if u asked me, i'd say life is great. specially these latest weeks.

well enough about me, i'm gonna share some group music called Depapepe, its a group music originating from Japan. these accoustic guitar duo is composed of Miura Takuya and Tokuoka Yoshimari, If u wanna know more about these two man u can go and search for them on google.

Well, since i've been mostly listened to their song lately and enjoyed their music i'd like to share some details of the Group and then mention my Top 5 of their song.

As for the name of the group, It comes from the combination of both short names of the band members, by combining the Japanese word for overbite, ‘deppa’, and the name of Takuoka’s previous band ‘DERUPEPE’. Contrary to a popular rumour circulating among their fans, the two guitarists are not brothers.  (wikipedia)

Their music is a calm to the soul, most of their music really are great. beside they are really skilfull.
you guys should check it out on youtube for their music and their albums.

As for me these 5 bellow is my favourite , i know its kinda subjective opinion but i pick it by taste so i hope there wont be a fans that will complained to the selection i've made. (ps.not in order - except for the 1st one.)

Well, Enjoy... and tell me what is your fav song of Depapepe. 

1. Start - This is the very first Depapepe's song that i listened., and yet still as for me - my  best one so far. (Recommended)

2. Summer Parade

3. One

4. Snow Dance

5. Horizon ( sorry i cant find the live play by depapepe, this one bellow is the copy of Horizon)

Till Then..

Apr 12, 2013

Let you be the real you

Its good when the plans is actually work just as it should. been wondering quite a lot if i could get through this mess. funny how life could turned so fast without we even realized it.

As for now i think i really should stop planned and put up targets cuz not all of it will work and would meet the expectations. Life is nothing but us, the outcome of it really depends in us. The daily activities we had is far from the definition of living the life, to define our own self and made up our existence counted is somehow the most important things to do. i know it sounds a lil bit idealis, but sometime been plain and bold is all we need. dont mixed up things and complicated your minds, its only bring you out of your thing from yourself.

Let the life waves and Enjoy its upside down.

Apr 11, 2013


                           Tell me not, in mournful numbers, life is but an empty dream

This is insane, I cant help myself for not thinking about some particular things.
it just keep popped up on my mind. At some point, i miss the old me already. I cant deny i am a lot better now, and after all i'm experienced enough which is so great cuz i can ease myself for the problen that happened to be the obstacles in my life recently.

but you know, its not about the meassurements of how good i am that i'm aware of, like right now ; but its just something more. We are after all just a creatures and luckily we meant to be the one who control the most with the gift that we have. we've had a particular ability that others creatures only dreamt off. i dont say that there is a race here among the creatures, all i am saying is that somehow sometime i found myself pretty messed up with this very special gifts. its unbearable really.

have you ever think that our mind is actually playing with us, like a lot. or should i mention some examples of how my mind usually playing tricks on me ?? Its embarasing, dont you think? *gw doang kali yah* -_-)

I feel the trouble in me..!! i can hardly ease myself, specially this very moment.! the only thing i feel its reality is the love that i shared with a very special people, a very special family, friends and lover. i treassured it.

sometime, in my very loneliness i think i need to examine myself ,  get myself some special activity to meassure this or maybe add some colours in my not really rainbow life.

#Its left undecided# 
any comments will be much appreciated 

by--> the ghost inside me

Apr 8, 2013

Postingan sampah

Mungkin kalian tidak seperti saya, yang telah terlalu dalam terjerumus dalam ilusi yang entah darimana asalanya, aku bahkan tidak bisa membedakan sesuatu yang harus aku lakukan dan sesuatu yg tidak perlu aku jalani dalam hidup. semua semata sebuah kebiasaan dan kegiatan keseharian, mana mungkin bisa dimaknai kalau semua yang saya lakukan hampir selalu terasa kosong.

beberapa orang biasanya mengatakan ttg ketakutan mereka akan rasa sakit, rasa bersalah bersalah terhadap sesama dan mungkin takut akan mati. sebaliknya yang saya rasakan ttg ketakutan yang ada diri saya adalah  rasa takut akan hidup. I feel sorry for myself. i really am.

bukan hal yg gampang ketika anda tidak bisa mengerti diri sendiri, dari hal yg paling gampang sekalipun. Life is sucks sometime.!!

To be continued...

Mar 29, 2013

If it's love, it'll never be too late (Part 2)

Check out the previous part before u go further - Here

            It was so damn cold. The strong and sharp wind was blowing right to my face. It was so cold but I didn’t dare to hug him so that I’ll stay warm a bit. That’s because hugging someone from the back while riding a motorbike is not in my list. So there.. I was holding myself. Don’t laugh, okay?
And much to my surprise, we didn’t feel like we’re strangers at all even if it was our very first meeting. I felt comfortable with him as if he’s one of my long lost friends, even if I felt a bit awkward too but, it didn’t show. My comfortable-ness was far too great than my awkwardness.

We talked along the way about nothing. Then suddenly he asked “Do I stink?” “Nope! Why?” I asked him back. Then he told me that he was playing soccer with his friends and came home late. He hurried to get me without even took a bath first and that he only changed his t-shirt. I smiled. Of course he can’t see me smiling because I was facing his back. But surely he didn’t stink at all, even from his sweat.

*** *** ***

“We’re already in Jatinangor”, he said. “It’s a small town”, he added and I didn’t say anything. We’re almost home when I saw terang bulan. I really like it, I love the taste of it especially the cheese flavor. It’s been a long time since I ate it so, we ended up buying it.
I also told him that I didn’t bring any essential things with me as toothbrush, towel, etc, so, I needed to have one. Well, you might think that it was very stupid of me to travel without bringing things that are necessary. Hellooo... you think I’ve expected to be lost at some unknown train station with people whom I’ve never seen their faces before? I didn’t expect that I’d be lost therefore; I only brought with me some clothes. I purposely didn’t bring the toothbrush, etc, because as in my plan I’ll stay overnight at the hotel (they always prepare towels, toothbrush and whatsoever in a hotel room) before leaving to Yogyakarta on the next day with my professors. But then as you guys knew already (part 1), they canceled their flight and I was lost. The hotel plan was out of my list that moment because I decided to go back to Yogyakarta but, every train was fully booked due to Christmas and New Year’s vacation, blah... blah... blah... And there I was – with him, a perfect stranger who was for some weird reason, not a stranger at all. Now you do understand my situation. Well then.

While waiting for terang bulan to be done, we went to an Alfamart nearby which is open for 24/7. I didn’t have to buy many things because my train to Yogyakarta will be in the afternoon at 4pm. So, I brought everything that I needed for an overnight. He bought two bottles of mineral water of 1.5 liters and a body spray – Axe, chocolate flavor. Not bad, I thought. Girls do love chocolates, don’t they?J When we’re done, we went to get terang bulan and went straight to his place.

The moment we arrived, my body was trembling. I just realized that I was freezing. Of course I commented on the weather but didn’t tell him that I was freezing to death. I followed him meekly from his back after he parked. “We need to go upstairs because my room is at 2nd floor”, he said to me without even looking at me. I can’t see his expression at all. Minutes later, we’re there, in front of his room. He knocked while calling out someone’s name. Someone’s there, I thought. The door was opened and a young man was standing there. He’s probably in his twenties as both of us. He greeted us with a smile and we went inside the room. He introduced me to that man as “your sister”. I smiled. He referred to that man as a younger brother so I thought probably they’re cousin. Honestly, I think that “someone” is much younger than the man which he referred as “younger brother”. I was lost in my thoughts when they conversed. Aziz, that man’s name, was asked by “my lover” to clean and tidy up his room. So after everything was done, he waited for us while checking on his Facebook account.

Few minutes after we arrived, he left. Now it was only him and me. He asked me to sit down so, I sat on his bed. I was really wanted to taste terang bulan again so; I quickly opened it and asked him to join me to eat. He said he wasn’t hungry but I insisted him to have even a small bite. I cleaned my hands with hand sanitizer before I used a wet tissue. I double cleaned my hands as usual. I gave him some tissue and hand sanitizer too. We ate together even if he only had a bite. “Too sweet”, he commented on the food. “But I love it.” I answered him with a smile.
Just a short while, I thought he was going to have a word with me but wasn’t. He did talk to me but only about today’s event. He did talk to me but not while sitting or facing me. He did it while walking around doing this and that, moving this and that. My eyes kept on following his every move. Then finally he said to me and this time he was looking at me “You can sleep if you’re tired.” “I need to wash up before going to bed”, he said again. “If you’re thinking of taking a bath then it’s better if you’re not ‘coz it’s almost 3am. You might catch a cold.” I said. He answered that he’ll only wash up.

I, too, was supposed to wash up before going to bed as I always do especially after a long and tired journey like that but I was too tired to get up from my seat. “Hmm, I can’t sleep with the lights off so if you don’t mind, can we just leave the lights on till morning?” I’m afraid of the darkness so I asked. “I can’t sleep with the lights on too”, he said. “Hmm, we can turn off the bedroom’s light then but, please let the bathroom’s light on”, I said, hoping that he wouldn’t mind. “It’ll be fine”, he smiled and went to bathroom.

Minutes later, I laid myself down in his bed. I looked at the ceiling. Just sleep, I told myself. Before I could rest both of my eyes, he was all done. He did take a bath. From where I was, I could smell him. He smelled so good. So fresh. After few minutes, he joined me in the bed. I’ve never in my life spent a night or even shared a bed with a man but my mind was really tired that I can’t think of anything anymore. I slept facing him and he, me. We distanced our self from each other so; there was a space between us. He took my right hand, held it and placed it right in that space. He held my hand still. I opened my eyes and looked at him but I can’t see him clear. I wondered if he was also looking at me. It was dark to see much. No words came out from me or him. No one broke the silence. I was half asleep but still thought that he was going to kiss me later but he wasn’t. By the time I woke up, it was already a brand new with the sun shone too bright that it hurt my eyes. 

It was 7 past 10 in the morning. He was still sleeping. I can only see his back. I tried to sleep again after telling myself that it was too early for me to wake up. I went to bed at 3.30am so I shouldn’t have woke up. I need to sleep some more, I told myself again.

However, my stomach didn’t want to compromise with me. By 9 past 25, I can’t sleep anymore. I woke up and sat on the edge of his bed. My stomach was rumbling. I was really hungry but there was nothing. Then I remember terang bulan we bought this early morning. Before I could get up from the bed and took it, he awoke. “Hi”, he greeted. “Hi”, I replied. “You wake up so early” “You can’t sleep well?” he asked. “I had a good sleep. Thank you.” “It’s just.., this is already past my breakfast time.” “I really am hungry”, I added. Then he woke up from the bed. He walked to where his computer is and took a carton of terang bulan. “Eat this first”, he offered it to me. “We’ll find something to eat after taking a bath and changing our clothes.” He said again while drinking a bottle of water, two steps away from where I seated. “Hmm, okay”, I murmured quietly. Just when I opened it, “Oh.. God, don’t eat this anymore” I said as calm as I could but felt disgust. There were those small, diligent and stupid groups of ants near the only food in the room. “Don’t eat it anymore”, he said. Ignoring my hunger, I packed it again and asked him to throw it away.

I, then, asked him to wait for me outside so I can take a bath. I couldn’t take a bath if he stays in the same room as me. He said it’ll be okay but I wouldn’t listen. I insisted him to go out. After a few minutes of arguing, he lit his cigarette and finally went out. Yeah, baby... Now the room is all mine, I laughed inside of me. So, I started to undress, covering myself with only a piece of cloth. I didn’t have a towel and he didn’t too. He said he’s allergic to anything “furry” and towel is one of them. Oh well... That surprised me. This was my “another first” to go to someone’s house who has no towel at all. Another first was sharing the bed with a man. I might have “another first” with him again, I thought.

His bathroom’s door was a history. He broke it for months already for some silly reason. He said one of his toes was wounded by the bathroom’s door so he kicked the door hard, so hard that it was unattached from its hinges. The door was still there but we can’t close it normally.  He told me to close the door whenever I want to use the bathroom. He said to just lift it and place it right in the place where it once belonged. Sounded easy, huh? But I didn’t do as what I was told. I was alone in the room that’s why. The main door was locked. The window was closed. No one can see me. So I decided not to close the bathroom door because I didn’t feel like to lift up any heavy load with an empty stomach. I poured some mineral water into a plastic cup and brushed my teeth. The water was cold. I was a bit holding back to take a bath but I did it. No heater, cold water will do. I enjoyed myself taking a bath. I probably taking quite some time but I didn’t care at all. It felt so good after all that happened yesterday. I felt like the water just washed them away from my head to toe – all the weary. Afterwards, I grabbed the same piece of cloth I used to cover myself, which is actually my pink scarf (it was large enough) and dried off my body.

I was half done when I heard the knock on the door. “May I come in?” he said. I knew he was already tired of waiting. I was really taking my time in bathing and dressing up. “Give me 10 minutes”, I answered without open the door. I hurried myself and did everything I needed to do and lastly I opened the door. “You may come in.” I said with a smile curved on my lips. He was standing near the main door, smoking his almost-finished-cigarette. He looked at me and said nothing. He said nothing at all. He threw the cigarette and walked in. I moved backwards to where the bed is. “You washed your hair”, he said after a while. “Yeah, you should take a bath too.” I said. “I’ll wait outside”, I added. “You can stay here”, his answer surprised me. “Are you sure?” “Yeah, just stay. It’s not like you’re going to peek on me, right?” he laughed. “Of course not.” I said it coolly, hiding my embarrassment. He was almost went in to the bathroom before he turned to me again and said “You didn’t close the bathroom’s door, did you?” he startled me. “How did you know that I didn’t close it?” I asked in return, feeling uncomfortable. “I saw you took a bath”, he said with a low voice and very fast that I was almost unable to hear it. “WHAT?” “YOU... WHAT?” I was half screaming. I can feel my heart beat. My body began to tense. I was mad but I waited for him to repeat what he just said before I can explode. I waited for him to answer my question. “I said, I saw you took a bath”, he said but, this time I can hear him very clear saying “I saw you took a bath.” I stared at him. Too intense. I can’t stop staring at him. I was mad as hell. I just wanted to slap the shit out of him and made him realize that what he did was so wrong. “Why are you this stupid?” I heard me saying. That’s all I said. I was unable to speak any of my thoughts anymore because I was too mad. Damn it!!! Give a girl some privacy, I screamed inside of me. The room suddenly became so quiet. “I was just kidding”, he broke the silence, again with a laugh. “I know you didn’t close the door because the water was all over the place near the entrance to the bathroom”, he said again with a big smile. “Really?” I said, still not taking my eyes off him. “Yeah”, he said again. “It’s a relief”, I heard me saying. “I thought you really saw me when I was in the bathroom.” He might think that I was talking to him but I was saying it to myself. I felt so relief when he said he didn’t see me at all. Before I could say anything else, he went in to the bathroom.

I was playing Temple Run on my iPad when he went out from the bathroom. He already wore his dark blue jeans. Again, I could smell him from where I was seated. I didn’t look at him, pretending I was too busy playing the game. Every time he wasn’t looking, I took a glance at him. He took his Axe and sprayed it all over his body. He smelled delicious. He made me craving for some chocolates. I was glancing at him every minute I got the chance. He put on a deodorant before he finally wore his dark blue t-shirt with “REBEL” printed in front of it. Rebel? Seriously? I can’t help myself thinking that he’s probably a bad boy. If he is, then I’m totally with the wrong guy. I don’t know him well, I thought. Anything was possible. I was scared of my own thoughts. “Do I look okay now?” he asked while looking at his reflection on the mirror. “Yeah, you do.” I said with a smile, hoping he’s not a bad guy. He doesn’t look like one after all. “Let’s go”, he said.

The weather was really refreshing, very much different from last night. “I’ll take you to the only shopping mall in town”, he said. “We’ll eat our lunch there.” I smiled at him. We walked our way towards the mall. It was quite near. “I don’t really like this mall at weekend because all the people in Sumedang usually come here for shopping and make it crowded.” “The things they sell here are the clothes from the factory outlets that are not selling anymore in the shopping mall in Bandung. It’s a good thing because once you buy some clothes here, you don’t have to be afraid that someone might wear the same clothes as what you’re wearing”, he explained with a big smile. “I came here a lot that I knew almost every corner of it”, he said again. I looked around us. It’s quite big, as big as Robinson mall in the Philippines. There are a lot of restaurants and fast food chains around it too. “Parking lot is at the left side.” He explained again. There was a security guard at the entrance. There were a lot of people too. They were everywhere. We finally entered the mall with me walking by his side. I made sure that I didn’t lose him and got lost again. We took an escalator to the second floor. When we arrived, he suddenly grabbed my hand and changed my direction. Then I realized, I was too into “not to get lost” thing that I almost collided with a cute little girl, 4 or 5 years old. We took another escalator again to the floor where the local foods were. He still held my hand. I looked at our holding hands and decided to hold his this time. We walked hand in hand. It felt good. We looked everywhere for the foods that we like before finally decided on having quite a strange sound of food’s name for me – nasi bakar. I wondered how they smoke the rice. When they waitress brought the food to our table, I saw that the rice was cover with banana leaf. The leaf wasn’t all green as it should be. Some parts of it were already brown in color. “They just cover the rice with the banana leaf after it was cooked and smoke it for a minute or two”, he explained with a laugh, again. I smiled at him. Then we enjoyed our lunch. I did almost the talk during lunch. I told him about the things at the university where I studied at. He laughed at my stories before he suddenly said, “I love your expression when you tell a story.” I looked at him and smiled. “Everyone used to say that I talked too fast that they’re having hard time to understand what I’ve just said, even my mom”, I laughed. “You surely talk very fast”, he laughed too. I smiled, I grinned, and I laughed whenever I talk. That’s quite me. It comes out naturally. My expressions depend on the story that I want to tell. My friends said that they love my expressions because I’ll be so into what I was telling. And here, I heard him saying to me the same thing. Weirdly, I was happy when he said it. 

                                        *** *** ***

We were holding hands on our way home, not like when we went out for lunch – no holding hands. I was happy that we held hands. I think he was happy too. It was almost 2.20 when we arrived. He took a key from his pocket and opened the door. “Let’s take a nap”, he said. “What if we wake up late and miss the train?” I asked him. “We’re supposed to leave now to Bandung at this hour to avoid being late due to the traffic jam”, I added. “I know. I’ll be the one to drop you to the train station. There’ll be enough time so, don’t worry”, he answered and looked right into my eyes. “Okay then. We’ll leave after an hour”, I agreed. We went to bed again to sleep awhile. He’s probably still tired because of last night soccer with his mates, I thought. I slept facing him and he, me. He held my right hand again. Then he touched my face. I didn’t know how it started but he was kissing me. He was really close to me. The space between us from last night wasn’t there anymore.

Curious about the next part? Don’t worry. I’ll be up with the next part after you’re done with this. 





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